I Hate Myself for Hating You
by person6
Summary: A more realistic look at what Malik thinks about Yami no Malik and how much pain, hate, and fear he has caused, set after Battle city. Oneshot Song-fic


Hello, it's another one shot and even though I should be working on my homework or typing up the next chapter to Children of Darkness, I just took a break...why? Dunno...anyways, it's another Malik/Yami no Malik fic and no relationship between them this time...first shot at a song-fic...anybody know how to do italics for ff.net?  
  
Song: Linkin Park Figure .09  
  
Yami no Malik musing on Malik's part, all Malik's POV ***************************************************************** *****************************  
  
I hate you...you know that? I really, really hate you. I hate you more than anything I know. It's fitting isn't it? After all you are my embodiment of hate...the very essence of all my anger and fear and most of all my hate. The thing is you are me and I am you...we are always together, and the most ironic thing about that is I can't get rid of you. You'll always be right here, always lurking in my mind. Why? Because I can never be free of hate or fear or anger...I can't get rid of everything that makes you, you.  
  
I didn't realize it at first, but it's only now that I see my mistake. I was glad when you first came, I was actually happy to see you; I saw an escape to everything that I hated, to everything that I wanted to escape from but when I came back to the real world and saw your, my bloodied hands it all changed. You were no longer the comforting presence in my mind, but something dark, menacing, frightening, something that I had never felt before, not even to my own father. It was only later I could recognize it as hate.  
  
~*~  
"Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain  
attached to them  
Sometime I wonder why this is happening  
It's like nothing I can d would distract me when  
I think of how I shot myself in the back again  
Cause from the infinite words I can say  
I put all pain you gave to me on display  
But didn't realize instead of setting it free  
I took what I hated and made it a part of me"  
~*~  
  
So I locked you away, made you hide your self in the darkest pit of my mind, never to arise again, but I failed...just like I always do. I tried to fight against you, I tried my best. I hid my thoughts, my emotions, anything and everything from you, I wanted to forget. I hated you more, but the more I hated you the stronger you became, because you fed on my hate and you fed and fed until you were nothing but hate. I tried to hide away from you but like a fool I didn't realize that you were me and I was you. We were one and no matter how hard I tried you knew everything about me. My darkest thoughts, my loathing, my everlasting fears. You tore through my mind and analyzed every single aspect about it until you knew me better than I ever knew myself. Nothing could keep you away from my mind and it was then you began to play with it, toy with the only thing I had control over. You bent my will and told me lies and tricks and deceived me. I thought I was being goddamn fucking righteous...oh gods...how wrong was I?  
  
~*~  
"Never goes away  
Never goes away  
And now you've become a apart  
of me  
[You'll always be right here]  
You've become a part of me  
[You'll always be my fear]  
I can't separate  
[Myself from what I've done]  
Giving up a part of me  
I've let myself become you"  
~*~  
  
You beguiled me with those eloquent words of yours. You were like a panther, dark, sleek, dangerous. I drank in your words and somehow I did it all. I followed the path that you created. You know, they say that the path to hell is paved with good intentions and I made that come true. I thought I was bringing justice to my father, the man who created you and I was only creating more blood...blood that still stains my hand, no matter how much I washed them, no matter how much I was forgiven. It's always there, invisible, but I'm drenched in it...drowning in the vile blood of the innocent. And ever night when I go to bed, I scream because every night I see you in my mind. A parasite that lives off of hate and anger and slowly you become more than I am, you are another being, two minds in one.  
  
I manipulated, tricked, deceived, and threatened anybody and everybody. And no matter how many times I beg for forgiveness I still see their eyes scared, frightened, terrified of me. The dark shade of mistrust covers their eyes and I can see hear their thoughts of suspicion. Even my own sister and brother shrink away from me and it's all because of you. Left alone because of what you made me do, what you did to me. They don't care that I didn't mean it; they don't give a damn about that. They only care that it was my hands that wielded magic and the cards and the threats, they only care that it was my voice that screamed and cursed at them...they don't care that it was your words that bent my mind...  
  
~*~  
"Hearing your name the memories come back again  
I remember when it started happening  
I see your and every thought I had and then  
The thoughts slowly found words attached to them  
And I knew as they escaped away  
I was committing myself to them and  
Everyday I regret saying those things cause now I  
see that  
I took what I hated and made it a part of me"  
~*~  
  
Even now years after all that I lie in bed and dream of your voice, purring soft instructions in my ear, telling me, urging me to grab that shining puzzle and those beautiful cards and to slit their throat and watch their blood pour into my hands. And every night I wake up screaming and screaming until my throat bleeds and I choke on my own blood. Every night I see my sister holding me in her arms, rocking me back and forth like I was a baby, but even then as she tries to soothe me and even as she had tears in her eyes I can still see that shade of mistrust covering those aquamarine orbs and I blame it all on you. My own family's scared of me and I can never change that because I hurt them worse than ever, because I manipulated their trust and because I fell for your words and was foolish enough to believe that once you were gone everything would go back as it used to, but it only rubbed salt into the wounds. They'll never trust me, they never will ever again. I hurt them too much, I spilt their blood, I laughed at their misery and every night when my sister rocks me back and forth I can't stop crying because I can feel her body tense whenever she come near me and I can feel her heart quickening when she puts her arms around me and worst of all I can see her eyes always averted from my own, because she can't bear to see her own baby brother who hurt her so much.  
  
~*~  
"Never goes away  
Never goes away  
And now you've become a apart of me  
[You'll always be right here]  
You've become a part of me  
[You'll always be my fear]  
I can't separate  
[Myself from what I've done]  
Giving up a part of me  
I've let myself become you"  
~*~  
  
Life's not fair. I prayed to the gods, I screamed, I wept, I begged on my hands and knees for salvation and redemption and it never came. Those wounds I created never healed and I was left alone, feared by everyone. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't bad and that it was your entire fault, but it was equally mine too. I was the fool to fall for your words and persuasion and every night I torture myself as I think about how stupid I was to believe you. I see the blood forever stained on my hands and every night I stand by the sink for twenty minutes and try to scrub it clean. I only stop when I see that my hands are raw and bloody and my own blood starts to coat my hands.  
  
I tried so hard to forget everything about you, but the problem was that you were me; I was always stuck to you because I could never stop hating. Hating you, hating my life, but most of all hating me. I knew that no matter how banished you were, you were still somewhere in the back of my mind, waiting, patient as ever as all predators are to come out one day and take over my mind and body again and one of my most frequent nightmares are that I could no longer fight you anymore because all my hate made you only that much stronger and all that hate that I couldn't stop no matter what would be my demise.  
  
~*~  
"Never goes away  
Never goes away  
Never goes away  
Never goes away  
  
[Get away from me!]  
Give me my space back you gotta just  
[Go!]  
Everything comes down the memories of  
[You!]  
I kept it in without letting you  
[Know!]  
I let you go so get away from  
[Me!]  
Give me my space back you gotta just  
[Go!]  
Everything comes down the memories of  
[You!]  
I kept it in without letting you  
[Know!]  
I let you go"  
~*~  
  
You brought to me so much pain and I can't stop thinking of you. I use to beg to Ra every day that I would wake up dead the next morning so that I would no longer see their pained eyes or feel your vile mind touching my own, but every morning I awake to the shining sun. I blocked away everything that I could, the pain, the hate, the anger, but it didn't matter then, you were too strong for me. My mind was used and weak and my soul was too tired to live out life. I watched from your eyes what you did to them all and I screamed and wailed and cried out for you to stop, but you never did. I fought so hard, but it didn't matter anymore, you were in control and even when you're gone, your presence is still felt by the remnants of everything you did.  
  
I wonder what would have happened if you had never come to me, would I have had a good life? Would I be tomb guardian? I will never know...there were so many direction me life could have gone and it had come to this. I sometimes dream what would have happened if you had won, if everything had gone the way you wanted it to. When I wake up from that nightmare I don't scream, but I quietly as possible walk to first my sisters room and watch her sleep. Watch how relaxed her face looks and how unguarded and young she actually she is. Then I let silent tears wash my face when I picture her awake and how the lines of fear and stress map her forehead in a small crease or how her lips are thin and trembling and how her hands always have a white knuckled grip on the object before her. I just walk to the room next door and from there I watch my brother sleep. I look at his gleaming head that shines in the moonlight and watch his still stony expression and finally I study his face. The smooth scars written down his cheek as I remember the allegiance he pledged to me the night of the dreadful ceremony. It is then I feel the most shame because I dragged him through all this mess and he was the one I betrayed the most. I killed his soul the night he was struck by lightening and with it left his will and heart to me. Still obeying his allegiance he follows me like a body guard, but that's all I am to him. He no longer will look at me they way he used to and I can only look at his golden eyes with fear at their emptiness and the way he avoids my face. I can only beg to him for forgiveness but know in my heart he never will.  
  
~*~  
"And then you've become a apart of me  
You've become a part of me  
[You'll always be my fear]  
I can't separate  
[Myself from what I've done]  
Giving up a part of me  
I've let myself become you  
I've let my self become  
Lost inside these thoughts of you  
Giving up a part of me  
I've let myself become you"  
~*~  
  
I hate you so much for everything you did to me. And all the mistakes I made can't be reversed or healed because their too big for me to try to forget or bury. I can't do it. All my hate just simmers inside my heart and I know that you will never be gone, because my hate will never stop and you will feed on it until I draw my last breathe. I know that one day you will come back and when that day comes I will have no power to stop you, because all the hate I feel, all the anger I have will make you so strong that you'll just lock me away and I can only watch through your eyes as you kill once more and I can only try to wash away the invisible blood that stains my hand.  
  
I know that one day when you come back no one will be able to stop you and I hate myself because I can't stop hating. But even as I feel the anger burning inside me, fueling your being I can't stop, because I can't stop hating no matter what I do. I will always hate and so you will always be here. Because I am incomplete without you and no matter how much I want to be apart it's not possible because I will always feel that hate for you for as long as I live. And I will always hate myself for hating you.  
  
***************************************************************** ******************************** Now wasn't that fun to write? Sorry if it was bad, I don't think it was all that great, but I hope you like it. I think it sort of jumped around too much, but it's up to you. I know there are a lot of stories out there showing that Malik was good friends with Yugi-tachi or that Yami no Malik was still alive, but I wanted to write one where it was a little more realistic. I hope I did okay on it. This was my first song-fic and I hope that the song went okay with the story, sorry if it didn't. I wanted to give it a try. Anyways, I'll update my other stories hopefully soon...please read and review! Ja ne! ^_^ 


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